An Old Adage

OK, so I woke up this morning and did a brain dump onto the blog. I must admit that, upon reading my thoughts, it appears that I may have been a bit scattered. I've taken the liberty to repair the damage. It ain't perfect, but so what? As I just told my sister Amy, "sometimes I write things just for myself. Just because you get to peer over my shoulder, doesn't mean it's intended to make sense to everyone". Or maybe that's my convenient excuse to cover bad writing, you decide. Anyway, here goes...

There is an old adage that suggests that absence makes one's heart grow fonder. Is this based on an observation of the reality that the lack of something simply increases the desire for it, or is there actually a physically transformative effect that happens to ones internal organs when a particular loved one is away. The Roman poet Sextus Propertius gave us the earliest form of this saying "Always toward absent lovers love's tide stronger flows". The contemporary version appears first as the title of an anonymous English poem in 1602. It wasn't until the 19th century that the phrase began to be used more widely, with Thomas Haynes Bayly's song Isle of Beauty, published posthumously in 1850: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, Isle of Beauty, Fare thee well!" I also like the more humorous version: "Absinthe makes the fart grow stronger".

It occurred to me this morning that "out of sight, out of mind" is an equally astute, but possibly conflicting, observation. They both reflect an actual physical process that occurs within humans, but when combined and applied to our own situations, they may also tell us something about ourselves and our relationships. What does it say about us when one expression rings more true than the other. Does the "absence" crowd have more of a firm footing in the romantic world where they believe so strongly that love will prevail and that whatever event or relationship they're rooting for is meant to be? Conversely, do the "sight" believers all suffer from some form of relationship ADD, unable to pay attention and remain focussed on their loved ones long enough and intently enough to avoid being sidelined by distraction? A pretty girl walks by and the head naturally turns, but instill the focus that a tested and truly committed relationship brings and viola - stationary head. I guess it largely depends on one's commitment to the object of one's desire. The absence crowd subscribe to the concept of destiny, believing with all their heart that this is meant to be. I fall quite a bit in this camp, the one that believes in fate and destiny and romantic stories. I usually opt for the love stories at the video store. I like a good tale, a happy ending, and a good cry. I usually get that from any displays of tenderness, especially when it's expressed across generations, fathers and sons, great grandmothers and little girls. But the romantic stories, the really good ones done with solid acting, get me every time. I also like long walks on the beach, but I still feel strongly about out of sight, out of mind. I thinks it's quite possible to exist in both worlds. Living for romance, yet protective and demanding of a certain minimum standard of treatment. "Yes, I'm willing to die for true love, but... not if it has to hurt this much".

In absence, there is no difficulty except for what's felt from being apart, there is no bad behavior, no harsh words, no boring moments, no discomfort at a loved one's behavior, it's just absence. It's like getting a free pass: "wait here and think fondly of me while I'm away and all of the difficulties fade, and you're left wanting and missing me". What is the absence for in the first place? I was in a relationships where I've felt completely absent from that person in the same room. Where I felt like I was off on my own, out of the way and all within the distance of a short drive and a phone call. Yes, absence does have the effect of making us feel like we're missing out, I sometimes get that way over chocolate, but absence is, I think, the larger issue, not the fondness of one's heart, but the absence. People spend so much of our lives working long hours and running frantically between errands, often for things that they really don't need - their lives are just constructed in such a way that these things have become default necessities. In running and working, we loose sight of the necessity of being present to the ones we love. That's when out of sight comes into play. I sometimes go for days between thoughts of home. I'm so engrossed with all that's happening here. I haven't called loved ones as often as I should simply because I'm distracted by life. I need to work on that. It is possible, however, to spend too much time and energy letting our hearts grow fonder. There is a point at which we stand up and demand an end to absence and go forward towards a life of presence. Where we get to live our lives actually in the days we've dreamed rather than always having them exist in the future.

I like old adages. They tell us something about ourselves and of the wisdom of generations.

It's a beautiful day in Yarmouth. I'm going for a bike ride.

Cheers!

~B